Unnecessary Fights in Our Marriage

A few weeks ago I posted about being intentional in your marriage. One of the tips on how to do this is to be more intentional about how you greet each other or say goodbye.  

For us, the goodbye means a lot because of the nature of Ivan’s job. In the past when he first started his career, I had to learn how to put a fight aside. No matter how mad I was, I knew it was best to put the disagreement on hold as we would leave to work. In reality, it was probably harder for me than for him, because I hold grudges sometimes, hahaha. I especially remember one night when this changed for us. He was working nights, I could not even tell you today what the argument was about, but it was something that made me mad enough to ignore his calls. He left to work then called about 10 pm, I ignored him and went to bed.  At like 4:30 a.m. he called, I answered, and all he said, was "Lily we can’t do this anymore. I can't come to work without us being OK.” He told me about an incident at work, and I freaked out.  We are not perfect. There are still times where it’s not easy putting things aside and saying goodbye, but I try my best.

There was also a time in our marriage where our greetings caused many unnecessary fights.  Ivan has a high-stress level job, and he doesn’t deal with the usual things people deal with on a regular workday, so of course, this is going to affect him and us sometimes. I used to take his moods personal because I didn't understand why Ivan would come home and be silent or not want to interact. I actually would get so annoyed because I was happy and he was not.  The issue was merely our communication. We would not discuss it.  

I think where he would fail was not to ask me for more time when he got home. He needed more time to decompress, and I didn’t get it.

Where I would fail was to allow someone to dictate my mood. It was not a good thing because I would let someone else's attitude affect my attitude. This is where the self-growth comes in.  I am aware when you live with someone the energy around you can change things, but when you work on you, this stuff shouldn't have as much of an effect on you.  Through lots of conversations and experiences, I've come to learn that it had nothing to do with me.  I learned in time that when Ivan was ready, he would eventually talk about it.  

On the flip side, this caused many fights too, where he was coming home in a good mood, and I had a rough day (if you work from home you may understand), where I’d be like "Here are the girls I need a break." I would be in a shitty mood. I was not telling him what I needed and just taking it out on him.  

Seriously all it ever comes down to is COMMUNICATING, and although we are better at it, it is an ongoing thing in all seasons of marriage.

He's learned to be intentional (but not perfect) about where his mind is when he gets home and the need to communicate what he needs for the better of all of us.  I've learned that I need to be intentional (again not perfect) about one, not taking it personally and two, realizing him coming through the door does not mean he is my punching bag on those crazy days.  

I use this quote below a lot because it is one of my favorites! It relates so well to how essential it is to be mindful of how you connect with each other daily: “Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself; not what’s left over after you’ve given yourself to everyone else.”

Remember the key is to try. To be intentional in your marriage as often as you can, this has really helped our relationship. I hope our experiences help you maybe recognize something you two can work on together as well. 

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